ShivaShakti Synthesis

Neti, neti - not this, not that; well, then who am I?

I am in southern California this week visiting my family, primarily my father and step-mother. This is the area of my birth and formative years. I left California my senior year of high school for northern Ohio, went to college at OSU, tried living back out west a couple times and decided it wasn't for me. Ohio became my home although it took me awhile to realize and claim that. I must admit I never thought I would spend so many years in Columbus. Like many others I came to Columbus for college. I planned to finish graduate school, get some post graduate experience and then go on my way, which is just what I did. I lived outside the country for two years with every intention of relocating after the return to the US. You can imagine my shock when, after returning, stopping in Columbus for a couple days to visit friends and hearing this loud voice inside say, you are home. Home, I thought? I had never considered Columbus home the entire time I lived there. And now I was hearing Home. A little bewildered, but with certainty I Iistened to the voice and moved back to the place that had long been waiting for me to realize was where I needed to be.

That seems simple enough on the surface yet my ego does a funny thing with this story. I always manage to slide into a conversation, fairly early on, that I am not from Ohio but rather California. It seems important somehow that people know I am where I am by choice, not "stuck" by circumstance. Now that does surely sound like an ego thing. It is my ego, rather than the Self shedding false identities, saying I am not This. Next comes the inevitable comment from the listener of "Oh how lucky, why did you ever move?" Then my ego seeks to "educate" them on my perspective that California is not the promised land that it is often assumed to be. So here I suppose I am saying that I am not That. Being back in California is providing an opportunity to ponder why I stay attached to this story of "not this, not that". Am I seeking to be unique? Many of my dearest friends live in the area of their birth and are quite wonderful and unique. They don't need explanations. Why do I? I also, as we all do, seek connection and unity. The truth is that for me, I didn't find that in California. I am in Columbus, by choice, because that is where I found home. Do I need to go into a whole story to convince others of my truth? And does it work? Of course not, as with all truths it is a deep knowing that transcends words.

So it seems to boil down to this. I am of California but I am not California. Just like we are of our parents and our heritage but we are not a clone of that. It shapes but does not define who we are. I don't need to reject that nor emphasize it. It just is. I am of That. Columbus has been the place where I have been able to find enough grounding to explore my roots and roles, play those out and one by one strip away those that no longer fit or serve me so I can remember the authentic being I am and let that presence speak for itself. I don't have to use my story to remind people that I am unique and one with them. That has never been in doubt. I am also This.

Perhaps my lesson is not neti, neti, not this, not that, but rather I am of this and that. I can embrace all of it without the story needing to define me. I am of it all and as I grow

Shanti,
Janice